Firebrand Risk
The Rant Session
needed to switch to article mode
August 31, 2024

Said it'd be a post, so here it goes. I put all the Rook stuff in the chat since her situation isn't part of the rant, it just is happening on the tail end of things. (This being written at 8/27 17:30, so any changes will just be tacked on at the end.)

I know I've mentioned it here at some point, but when I had to pick a pediatrician I went with one about an hour away. The doctors in this area aren't great, and one of the things I wanted was to do vaccines on my schedule. We know people who have had kids have awful allergic reactions to some vaccines, so doing things like splitting the ones grouped together was what I wanted to do just on the off-chance Minerva had some type of reaction. Figure out which she had the reaction to easier and all that. And, there are some vaccines kids--babies especially--should not get because they don't need them. These are for sexually transmitted (or needle transmitted) diseases. Now, if people want to have the conversation why they're injecting kids and babies to prevent a sexually transmitted disease, then let's have it. But, it's easier to just ignore the why and shoot a preventative into them. And easier to pretend these preventatives don't come with adverse side effect a great deal of the time.

This brings me to her birth. Or extraction. And I'll have to talk about what that was like a little. In a word: horrifying.

It wasn't the c-section that was horrifying either. You can mentally prepare for that to some degree. You know they'll cut into you, and that recovery is going to suck (even if you don't know how much), and that you'll be limited greatly (even if you don't get how great). You know you'll get a spinal, and that you won't be able to feel any of the cutting. And you know you won't feel your legs or be able to walk for a while. Even if you know 'a while' is 8 hours, it doesn't really prepare you for how completely horrifying the spinal is.

It doesn't really hurt when they do it. Kind of like a pinch and pressure on your spine. But, then you instantly get this burning, and you feel the burning flowing down your spine and that burning is the last thing you feel. You feel it travel and as it makes it's way down, you lose all feeling and sensation right down to your toes. And that's it, totally helpless. Can't sit up. Can't roll. Paralysis completely, except you can feel them pulling and tugging once they have their hands inside of you and once they're stitching the different muscle layers back together. Doesn't hurt, but you feel it. 

Nurses move your legs. Nurses throw you from table to bed. And they constantly check after surgery to make sure you aren't paralyzed for real by asking you to move things. But, what's really bad, is that you know somehow what position your legs are in, and you know that normally it isn't very comfortable--or that you've been in that position too long and need to change it up. And you can't. Your brain keeps sending the signal, and nothing happens. And you know why so you can talk yourself out of panic, but there still is a little bit of it just because your body doesn't work.

Oh, and the spinal travels upward a little after they pull the baby out. So, they drop her two inches from your nose, and you can't really see her without seriously crossing your eyes. And for me... I didn't have that magical, instant bonding experience. I was just going, 'okay, I can barely see her and my right arm is going numb, and I want to get out of here so I can actually meet her properly and start bonding'.

So, they take her away. My mom goes with her so that she isn't sent to the nursery. And then starts the 30+ minute process of stitched me up. Which you can feel but not really feel. The doctor is tugging the threads so hard your body gets jerked and tugged, but you don't feel pain or anything. You just know it would be nice if it was sped up. (Like them actually removing her which I mentioned in the chat--it's 8/29 now). I don't finally get to hold her until all this is done, so somewhere between 30-45 minutes after she's born.

And it was barely a minute. My mom handed her to me. I got to pretty much look at her before a nurse or someone comes in and takes her, puts her off to the side, and hands me two consent forms to sign. Vitamin K shot and Hep B shot. So, I'm trying to remember what Vitamin K was used for. I skimmed about it many months ago, and my only experience with it is that the feral vet used it on Pim Mattie when he was crashing. I'm going 'wait she looked okay to me though for the half a minute I saw her'. But then you get the Hep B. I was going 'that's the one I don't want... isn't that the one I don't want, I thought I had a month before they tried to give her that'. My mom, who knew all the stuff I looked into, flat out asks what the Hep B was. And the b*tch lied to her and said it was a SKIN TO SKIN CONTACT. So now I'm like... is this the other Hep? Because they told my mother Minerva could get it if someone held her! Which is a complete lie! And so, less than an hour old, and I messed up by saying they could give her both shots.

My sister looked it up that night and confirmed it was the sexually transmitted/needle transmitted Hep that I originally thought it was. That I wasn't given any time to process. And somewhere in my gut I knew. I was watching them stab her in the thighs just mentally going 'this is wrong'. I pretty much consented to them hurting her, maybe really impacting her negatively later down the road. I still can't think about it with it really messing me up, because part of me says maybe if I instantly bonded, I would've been more protective and stopped them.

But, we're not finished yet. Minerva was awake the entire day and well into the night she was born. Very unusual (and extremely likely because of the Vitamin K). I went about the motions of holding and feeding her. My mom had to stay until after 9 to change her diapers since I still couldn't move. It was getting better by the hour in that area, but it was still surreal and out of a sci-fi horror to have your body just not respond to your brain. I think I was starting with fairly big movements for the situation because my brain was screaming for 8 hours to move. I was up and walking without help (despite the nurses' efforts) right around he 8-hour mark.

Now I'm starting to get tired. The adrenaline is gone. I can walk again, and it's just me and my baby. And she's also finally starting to fall asleep. Naturally, I'm going 'good we can both get some rest because today was a lot'. But, not so. And I don't really blame the night nurse on this part. He--yep, it was a dude--kept coming in to wake us both up. He had to make sure she was eating every three hours. Had to make sure I wasn't bleeding out/change my pee bag/check me pee bucket once he got rid of the pee bag (childbirth is gross y'all). The only problem with all this was it meant I wasn't sleeping. First night: 15 minutes. Minerva just slept. It was a lot to get her to wake up, and to eat, and I ended up asking how normal all that was, but also remembered she being awake for over 9 hours straight was not normal. But, since I kept asking about the feeding, he did go find formula and see if she wanted it off his finger. Which she didn't, so he guessed she was eating enough off me. But it still didn't feel right.

[Quick break with some funny regarding that first night nurse. He was a gay man. So, when you get a c-section, because you're dead from roughly the bottom of your lungs down, nurses with come violently massage your stomach every two hours to help your body get rid of clots. Once you can move around, you pee into a bucket in the toilet so that you can see if you have clots bigger than a golf ball. Those are bad clots. Well, my day nurse--a girl about my age--explained it to me like period clots. If it just looks like a period, no worries. If it's too much or too big compared to that, call the nurse. Well, I had a clot not golf ball sized but not a tiny thing. Not anything unusual, so didn't call my night nurse. He went into the bathroom to check the pee bucket, quietly freaked, and called a more senior nurse in to look. She's like 'no that's normal'.

Second funny story with him, when I was really starting to complain about how I didn't think Minerva was eating enough, he goes 'let me show you something... can I touch your breast' but the way he said it was like 'noooo'. And he kind of air mimed and just told me want to do instead. Like, his hand got close, flinched, and he just instructed me. I was so tired at this point (and starting to worry about my kid) that I almost laughed.

He must really think the whole new baby thing is magical or something to want to work that ward when his interest in the female is so limited.]

Night nurse goes to day nurse, and now it's a new set of people coming in to introduce themselves, check vitals on me and the baby, and all that. I meet the pediatrician assigned to her for our stay. I bring up eating with all of them, because something is just not seeming right. And now all she does is sleep. She's up a few random minutes to eat. Doesn't really dirty diapers. I'm told in her first 24 hours she'd dirty one diaper and pee one, and the joke was she was ahead of schedule because she had around seven dirties/pees in her first few hours (why my mom stayed so long--this is also likely because of having a vitamin shot into her veins). The lactation consultants visit, I bring up the feeding with them. They keep showing me a circle pinned to their uniforms the size of a red, seedless grape telling me that was her stomach size so only a few drops of the super-rich colostrum would be what she needed. Nurses wore the same button, told me the same thing. During the day, blood is taken from Minerva to send to the state for various reasons they're unclear on. Just drops on a piece of paper, not a vial. And she screamed and cried and it still is unclear why they did that. Test and public safety or something. No specifics.

Second night nurse comes in. I bring up feeding. Same story with the grape pin. She takes blood from Minerva, and she doesn't cry or barely wake up. And I'm like 'hey she didn't cry or anything and you just sliced her heel and squeezed the heck out of it to bleed a vial full'. Nurse says she's good at her job, then asks me to take a quick survey and to shout out specific people. First off, I wasn't paying attention. Second, WTF? I mention the previous night nurse, the housekeeper, and I just offhandedly 'I guess you too because you cut her and bled her and she didn't wake up or cry'. She goes, 'cool your pain meds are scheduled for 6am, see you then'. I never saw her again. 

By 7am, I really, really needed those meds and I said something to a midwife (my group that was supposed to do all my care and delivery would send someone to check on me since they were not doing care because of the c-section) and she just told me to call for a nurse since she couldn't give me meds. I call. No nurse. 8am rolls around, shift change. I meet my day nurse about fifteen minutes later, get meds and water, and bring up the eating thing again. She gives the same speech, but also obviously knows I keep bringing this up, because I got a whole swat team of lactation consultants later. ...Who all gave me the same speech, showed me the button, and just kept squeezing my boob. And at this point--another sign something wasn't right--all the boob stuff was hurting. I was actually bleeding. My day nurse came to me with a 'so you have four days here but you could get out today if you want'. I heard this before from others, so of course, 'if my baby is all good and healthy, I'm taking her home'. My discharge orders are put in, doctor comes to check Minerva out, says she's all good, and we get ready to leave.

Oh, but I didn't forget about that Hep B or that night nurse. When she did her survey I brought up the shots, just coming from the OR and being blindside. So, when the new nurse leader for the day shift came to check on me because I was leaving, she wanted another survey. Brought up the shots, and then 'oh yeah... I never got my pain meds from that night nurse, sort of uncomfortable'. I hadn't met the day nurse at this point or the hearing tester, because they were both cool enough. One brought me a whole team of--unfortunately useless--consultants and the other let me hover and take pictures of the test she was preforming. Very curious when they found out Minnie's "origins". Thought it was neat and beautiful (I still think it's kind of weird and I'm the one that did it, lol).

We're almost to the end of the rant. But first, a nitpick annoyance that happened all the way back when I was getting out of surgery, because I forgot until I was in the shower. Night before, I'm told no food or drink after midnight. So, light dinner as late as possible, and no fluids by I think nine or ten, because, y'know sleep. When the nurse went to find a vein she's like 'wow you must be dehydrated, I'm having trouble'. Umm, yes? And I told her yeah, no food and drink because of surgery, and she's just 'oh yeah that's right'. So, first time she tried she popped my blood vessel (the huge bruise is finally not dark purple anymore, and I remembered all this because I saw it in the shower). This bruise is on my right forearm. Second time, left under-wrist. No luck, I watched the needle bend, so if she had pushed it like the first attempt, also would've bruised. My mom is going 'why not the crook of her arm, you can see those without tying off'. And they said they do that as the absolute last resort because it interferes with holding/feeding the baby. Okay, understandable. But where did they put the IV? In my right wrist joint. So... just in my dominate hand in a spot that is in constant motion, including feeding and holding the baby.

But now the end. Discharged Friday afternoon. Have an appointment with Minnie's actual pediatrician for Saturday late morning. The other option was Monday first thing in the morning, but since I live so far I went 'aw man, I wanted a rest from doctors and stuff, but no way let's do Saturday'. First thing when we check in, they ask if the hospital gave her those shots. I said yes, they ambushed me after surgery, and we are not doing the follow ups for the Hep B. They ask if I have concerns. Yes, I'm starting to get very paranoid about her eating because something isn't feeling right about the whole thing.

Her weight had dropped significantly from when they discharged me (her weight loss was in normal levels according to them), her blood sugar had tanked, and it was recommended to take her back to the hospital through the ER so she could be monitored and fed around the clock a few days. She backtracked a bit when I said where I delivered, recommending I take her to the hospital arund the corner instead if I really need to go to the ER. I basically excused myself at this point before I completely freaked out, and left my mom to get all French-Canuck to sus things out and go off on the hospital.

Well, after talking to my mom, they tried her on formula and she held it down. So, I was given some to take home and to just go thru the weekend. I guess my mom mentioned to her I had a c-section, and the doctor was like 'and they let her leave after two nights!?' so, yeah all that is crazy too. I had to look this up, because I wasn't told and absoluetly should have been, but when you do a c-section you get your milk in later. So, this kid of mine was kind of being starved and hurting me in the process because I had no milk and wasn't making near anywhere enough colostrum. I did finally get it in, but that was Monday night and Minnie was already on the formula to make sure she was eating/tolerating it. Plus, it was bloody. Hopefully I didn't accidently give her a taste for human blood. That'd be awkward.

I am going to try to combo feed, and ween her back to milk. It'll just have to be in a bottle. She makes the most disgusted faces when I try it natural. It's funny, mildly insulting, but I'm not going to complain too much since that freaking hurts.

I suppose enough time has gone by for me to start forgetting stuff (now it's 8/31). The take away from it all is that the hospital with the bad reputation that I wasn't supposed to deliever at, I delivered at, and it was a horrible experience. Mostly because of the ambushing with the shots she doesn't need and shouldn't've had. I have my own medical junk tied to the whole thing too with the cutting open and recovery of that. but... oh, I remembered another thing that hospital did.

To end for real, they gave me a prescription for oxycodine to take home, and offered it the whole time I was there. While they knew I was exclusively breatfeeding. I thought that was very odd, so didn't take it and just kept to a single motrin every 8-10 hours. I checked when I was discharged, and my suspcions about it were correct: you don't take that while breastfeeding because you can cause health issues on top of getting them addicted. No wonder they treat all newborns like crack babies and there is an addiction problem in this area.

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DO.Penny.4

Ms. Beauchamp smiled warmly at her from across the cheap, pressed wood desk. The multiple rings glittered on her chubby fingers while her beaded bangles clattered as she moved her hands to fold contently on her desk.

Penny stared at the lime green cellphone. She turned it over and over in her hands, feeling the number buttons and sliding it open to feel the keyboard.

“It’s really late to be a Christmas present,” Ms. Beauchamp said. “But, look, the keyboard makes texting your friends easier. Isn’t that a neat feature?” She settled more authoritatively in her chair. “Now, with that out of the way, why don’t you tell me about your Christmas vacation?” She glanced at her notebook. “And about this… gnome?”

“This is really mine,” Penny asked, holding up the phone. She inspected it more closely on Ms. Beauchamp’s nod. “They wouldn’t let me go to church.”

“I’ve spoken to them about that. As faithful as they are, I think they didn’t quite understand that a little girl would have such strong faith without an adult leading her on. They can’t promise every Sunday, mind you, not with their own church activities, but they’ll try.”

Penny did not believe that for a second, but gave a little nod. She began exploring the phone, finding it had Ms. Beauchamp listed as a contact along with the Lamberts’ landline. She could feel her case worker staring at her, waiting for more conversation. The gnome had been mentioned and brushed off during their brief meeting shortly before Christmas.

“You do have quite the fantastical imagination,” Ms. Beauchamp said after the pause grew too long. She consulted her notes. “There are records of it popping up at every placing.”

“Is it bad,” Penny asked. “I get bored. I’m trying to entertain myself.”

Ms. Beauchamp smiled again, shaking her head. She reached over and gripped Penny’s hands.

“Imagination is perfectly fine and normal,” she said. “Perhaps… tone it down around your fosters? Adults sometimes just get worried for no good reason.” She shuffled her papers and straightened. “Anything else for this meeting?”

“Since I have a phone of my own now… can I have the number for St. Brigid’s,” Penny asked hesitantly.

The case worker’s bubbly smile instantly faded. She fumbled her notes and cleared her throat.

“Your ride should be here,” she said dismissively.

She was sure to tuck the phone into her pocket before meeting Mr. Lambert out in the hall. They rode back in silence with a few disgruntled looks from him. She eagerly rushed from the car the moment it was parked, running up the stairs to her room.

“Don’t you slam that door,” Mrs. Lambert screamed up the stairs. In a calmer voice to Mr. Lambert, “Did the case worker say anything?”

“I didn’t see her,” he admitted. “I expect we’ll get a call tonight for a debriefing.”

“She better not write off her delusions as imagination. We’re entitled to a bigger stipend if she’s special needs.”

Penny shut the door and flopped onto her bed. She studied her new phone, flipping the keyboard open and shut. She would need to get Brooke’s number. It would be fun texting between classes or when they were trapped with their foster families.

A small camera icon drew her attention. She tapped it and the little screen showed her room. She grinned broadly, clamoured to the window, and pointed the phone at the neighbor’s garden.

Brooke was sitting in a snowbank near what usually was hydrangeas. She shoved her phone back in her pocket and hurried down the stairs, slowing at the annoyed hisses of the Lamberts coming from the living room.

“--add another kid,” Mr. Lambert said. “Or, trade her in, get one that’s really special needs. Maybe a deaf one. That’d be a nice change.”

“The Wilcox had a deaf one for a minute,” Mrs. Lambert mused. “It was a good chuck more, but the thing screamed too much. I don’t know if my nerves can handle that.”

“Just hope she’s reclassified then,” Mr. Lambert said.

“Better that then three of them,” Mrs. Lambert said. “They’re far too broken. I worry enough with that Aaliyah and our Emily getting along as well as they do.”

“Concerning,” Mr. Lambert agreed. “Too bad too. She’s such a cash cow. That drug-addled mother of hers will never get custody.”

The phone rang in the kitchen, breaking the conversation and the spell it had on Penny. She slipped on her rubber boots, and headed outside. She ran to the hedge that separated her yard from Brooke’s.

“Hey, Brooke!” She waved her phone. “Give me your number!”

The excitement over the new phone faded much sooner than Penny was expecting. Brooke put in her number, flipped between keyboard and no keyboard a few times, and then went back to scratching in the snowbank. Her bare fingers were raw and red from the cold.

“You okay,” Penny asked, plopping next to her. “You've been quiet since we got off break.”

“Holidays are hard,” Brooke mumbled.

It was much harder going through Christmas without the familiarity of St. Brigid's. She missed Aisling from sun up to sun down, and having the Lamberts prancing around in fake cheer for the neighbors while being snide to her and Aaliyah inside the house made the pain deeper.

A stifled sob startled her from her sorrowful thoughts. Brooke was wiping her eyes. Penny felt her own sting.

“Did you know, the world is supposed to end this year,” Brooke said.

“What?”

“Mayan calendar,” Brooke said. “It says the world is ending this year. …I don't think I'd care if it did.”

Penny couldn't fathom the world ending. It seemed dumb the world would end just when she hit double digits.

She took pictures of the frozen grasses and their footprints in the snow until she was too cold to sit any longer. She bid Brooke goodbye, and crept back into the house. Her body tensed the moment she walked through the door. The irritated sounds of her foster parents were coming from the living room and kitchen as they yelled conversation at each other.

It sounded as if they had the debriefing call with Ms. Beauchamp, and it sounded like she was not going to classify her as delusional. She hurried up to her room, stopping when she found Aaliyah leaning in her doorway.

“They know you got a phone,” she said. “Just one piece of advice; they aren’t allowed to take it from you.” Her dark eyes studied Penny. “Does it have a camera?”

“Yeah,” Penny said, taking a tiny step towards Aaliyah. “I was just at Brooke’s taking pictures of the garden. It looks cool all—.”

“You are such a baby,” Aaliyah said with an exaggerated eyeroll. “Too bad you ain’t for adoption. You’d’ve been snatched up with the other babies already.”

She winced as Aaliyah shut her door with a firm snap. She looked at her phone, puzzled why taking pictures of a frozen garden was seen as childish, and headed into her room.

---

The halls were covered in pink, red, and white crepe paper chains and hearts. Penny held her phone to a cluster of ugly cupids, clicking a picture, and hurrying to catch up with Brooke.

Brooke had her bangs clipped out of her face with a small, plastic heart barrette. She was reading her English assignment with giddiness.

“Everyone is acting weird,” Penny said, her head swiveling to watch two girls a grade ahead giggle uncontrollably as a boy took books from the locker next to them without so much as a glance.

“Spring is coming,” Brooke said wisely. “Valentine's Day gets everyone excited. Oh, Penny, listen to this final note, ‘shows great promise and improves with every class’.”

“Hard to improve on an A average,” Penny said.

They stopped as a young man Penny quickly recognized as Mr. McBride rounded the corner. He pulled back to stop from colliding with them.

“Oh, Brooke, I almost knocked you and your friend right over,” he said, beaming at her. He held out his hand to Penny. “Hi. You’re not one of mine. Mr. McBride. Or,” he looked at Brooke, “Tony.”

Brooke bubbled up, holding her English assignment to her chest.

Penny curtly shook Mr. McBride’s hand. “Penny. Nice to meet you, Mr. McBride,” she said formally. She pulled her hand away and looked at Brooke. “Ready to head home?”

“I was hoping Brooke would help me set up for tomorrow,” Mr. McBride said.

“What’s there to set up,” Penny asked. “Don’t you teach English?” She recoiled at Brooke’s glare. “Want extra help?”

“It’s just putting papers on desks,” Mr. McBride said flippantly. “You go on home.”

Reluctantly, she headed out of the school alone. She sent Brooke a message saying they should hang out before dinner as she walked, more to have something to do than to wallow over the unease in her stomach. Mr. McBride seemed nice. Brooke liked him; she was happy around him. Penny couldn’t put her finger on why it bothered her seeing them together.

“Maybe I’m jealous,” she muttered to herself. 

Brooke was her friend. She should be happy that she had an adult in her corner after having no one for so long. Her foster family–the Wilcox–were just as bad as the Lamberts, but with no other children in the home to divert their attention.

“Oh! That’s right!”

Penny turned back and ran for the school. She found herself in the nearly defunct computer lab moments later, typing away in the search bar for St. Brigid’s Home. She was directed to a sterile looking page with smiling kids she had never seen before, case workers in business casual that she never saw, and a director she didn’t know. There were no signs of Sister Mary Agnes, Mother Mary Clare, or any of the other nuns.

She put the number into her phone as she heard people outside in the hall, shut down the computer–unsure if she was allowed on unsupervised–and left.

Brooke was outside standing by Mr. McBride’s car. She was shyly waving goodbye, her face flushed and elated as a small box of chalky candy hearts was pressed to her chest. His eyes caught Penny’s as he pulled away and she found her insides squirming. She held back rather than catch up with Brooke, and watched her skip away.

A small, blue-white ball of light bobbed in her peripherals. She headed for the woods, stalking after the haunt with her phone at the ready. She switched her gaze from the ball of light to her phone screen as she tripped over logs and fought through branches, irritation seeping in at her inability to get it perfectly on her screen.

There was a squelch and a lurch down as Penny reached a clearing. She found her feet stuck in muck, and wiggling sunk her to her knees.

“Perfect,” she grumbled. She found the will o’ the wisp hovering in small circles just out of reach. She raised her phone, snapped a picture, and gave a snort. “It’s funny to you, isn’t it?”

She fell backwards, pulled herself back, and got her feet out with a wet suction sound. She flipped onto her stomach and dug her hand into each of the holes as they rapidly shrunk, managing to pull her shoes free.

The walk home grew increasingly uncomfortable as the February air froze the wet muck to her legs and arms. Her feet were frozen and ached, having decided to carry her mud-filled shoes. She snuck inside and inched her way up to the bathroom across from her bedroom, cringing at every small noise she made.

She started washing with a loofah, keeping all her clothes on and trying not to get soaked by the shower. She would need to sneak her muddy clothes into the dirty laundry and simply pray that Mrs. Lambert didn’t notice them.

“Penny,” Aaliyah said, banging open the door. Her eyes flashed at the mud coating the bathroom. “Oooh, you’re in trouble.”

“Please, don’t—.”

“Mrs. Lambert! Mrs. Lambert, you should see what Penny did!”

Penny stumbled from the shower-bath, slipping and falling in a heap on her mucky shoes. She scrambled to the door, slamming it in Aaliyah’s face just as heavy steps sounded in the hall. The door was flung into her, cracking across her forehead.

“What is all this,” Mrs. Lambert shrieked.

She felt herself dragged from the bathroom; she flailed and freed herself, and ran on all fours into her room. She threw the door shut and felt the doorknob instinctually for the lock that should have been there while a small memory floated in the back of her mind of the Lamberts lecturing her shortly after she arrived on how they didn’t allow foster kids the ability to lock the doors.

Mrs. Lambert burst through the door. She screamed and ranted as she dragged Penny back to the bathroom. She ordered her to clean and threw down a musty smelling mop.

Aaliyah gave her a gloating smirk before stalking off to her room.

Penny began wiping the floor with shaking hands. Her ears strained for the slightest sounds; Emily returned home and gave her an exasperated glance on her way to her room, Mr. Lambert returned and angry hisses between him and Mrs. Lambert quickly ensued. She had the floor finished before her nerves settled.

She crept back to her room. She moved her desk chair in front of the door. It wouldn’t stop the Lamberts from coming in, but it would be more of a hassle than just walking through the door. She shed her wet, muddy clothes, and changed into Goodwill sweats. Her phone was clutched in her hands.

She listened hard for a second to make sure all was relatively still outside, then hit the contact number for St. Brigid’s.

“Home of Hope,” a woman answered.

“Oh. …Sorry. I thought this was St. Brigid’s Home….”

“It was. Can I help you with anything, young lady?”

“...Why is the name different,” Penny asked uneasily.

“Homes change names from time to time. It’s nothing to worry about,” the woman said. “Are you looking for help? Can I have your name?”

“I’m looking for Sister Mary Agnes. Can–May I speak with her?” There was a pause. “Aisling Fox? Her non-nun name is Aisling Fox.” Her heart was starting to beat rapidly at the increasing tenseness coming from the other end. “Is Mother Mary Clare there?”

“No…. May I ask again who is calling?”

“P-Penny. My name is Penny Fox.” She gave a hearty sniff. “Penrose. They might have me under Penrose Fox. I-I used to live there. Aisling is my aunt.”

“Oh… I see,” the voice said sympathetically. “I’m afraid I don’t have any contact information for anyone from before the changes. You see, Penny, St. Brigid’s Home was found to be in violation. Too much influence from outside of the state.”

Penny was having trouble catching her breath; it coming in short, rapid bursts. “W-when?”

“Last summer. I believe near the end of July. Start of August. Sometime around then.”

Roughly a week after she was sent to the Lamberts. It made sense why none of her letters went answered. It made sense why contact had completely stopped. Aisling was not her legal guardian in any respect. There was no obligation for anyone to let her know where she’d been sent. She may not have even been allowed back to St. Brigid’s, going from her mother’s funeral arrangements right into being cast aside.

“I’m sorry I can’t give you your aunt’s contact, but is there anything else you want?”

“N-no,” Penny choked out. “I-I-I just wanted t-to know why she stopped writing. Bye.”

She held the phone feeling numb. Aisling was gone with no way to find her. No help was coming in her distress with the Lamberts.

She slowly focused from nothing to her muddy clothes. She opened her phone, and a small, sad smile formed as she stared at the picture she had taken of the ball of light.

------------------------------

I think Penny's been with the Lamberts for around 5 months in the first part and 6 months in the second. I cannot remember the name of Penny's cellphone. I think it was an early Samsung with one of those edgy teen focused names that they used to do when they had stripped down versions of cellphones for kids. The lime green was the most common one that popped up when I typed the name in to an image search. (LG Rumor, I found it in my search history.) Man, they used to just make things with personally as far back at 2012. This phone could take photos but not videos, and I believe there was no internet access (and data plans, calls, minutes used to be such a big thing).

Appalacia/West Virginia has a whole lore with will o' the wisps too, but they're more commonly/locally called haunts/haints. The blue-white ones are not supposed to be malevolent. They apparently come in green, yellowish like a candle, and red too.

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August 03, 2026
DO.Penny.3

Dear Ashling,

Penny stared at the heading, knowing something wasn't right but not sure what. She always tripped up on the heading.

You haven’t written back yet.

It was redundant. Aisling would know she hadn’t written; she would know months have passed since they saw each other. She had written so many unanswered letters at this point that she didn’t know what to put into one. Her complaints about her foster family and foster siblings were exhausted. It no longer felt safe to write about it, and definitely didn’t feel safe to mention the gnomes in the neighbor’s garden or the giant bird she saw during the last storm with lightning on its wings.

The paper was snatched from before her, jerking her from her wandering thoughts. She leapt up and spun around the chair, grabbing fruitlessly at the page as a taller girl with beaded cornrows waved it overhead.

“Give it back, Aaliyah!”

“Ooo, Ashling! Who's that? Aw, she never writes back? Aww.”

“Give it back!”

Aaliyah crumpled the paper and threw it over Penny’s head. Penny dived for it.

“She doesn't write because she doesn't care, stupid. They're paid to pretend. All case workers are.”

Penny smoothed the paper the best she could, mostly to avoid Aaliyah's hard gaze. “She’s my aunt….”

There was a pause before Aaliyah cackled nastily. She put on a show, doubling over and wiping tears from her eyes.

“That’s worse! She's family and ignoring you!” She huffed for breath. “She doesn't want you, Penny. Stop trying. It's sad.”

Aisling couldn't take her without giving up her vows. She wasn’t sure how it would even work if she did give up her vows. Aisling had no money due to the vow of poverty. Her skills were limited to religious service, outside of magic which she hid. There was no telling what her support was like now that her mother had died. Friends had come to fetch her, but as far as Penny was aware, Aisling and Keena were still strained.

Keena gave her up for a reason, and even now had not tried to reconcile with her.

Penny wandered outside to avoid Aaliyah and change scenery. The trees were still green, but the breeze was decidedly chilly to signal fall coming. She crawled into a gap in the hedge that sat on the property line, flopping on her stomach to watch the neighbor’s garden.

“What are you doing?”

She shimmied out of the bushes, popping up before she was clear. The twigs ripped at her hair and left leaves strewn about. She blinked at the girl standing on the other side of the hedge.

This girl was skinny with lank bangs. She wore a baggy short sleeved shirt over a long sleeved one, and held her elbow as she shifted her weight from foot to foot. They seemed to be about the same age.

“I was hiding from Aaliyah,” Penny said, climbing fully to her feet and plucking leaves from her dark brown hair. “She’s my foster sister.”

“I know her. …She’s mean.” She nodded over her shoulder. “I’m a foster too. With them.”

“Really? Huh. That’s kind of weird the neighbors have a foster kid too.”

“This whole cul-de-sac has them. I think they all went into it together for extra support or something. Or….” She stared down at her toes. “I’m Brooke, by the way.”

“Penny.”

“I know,” Brooke said, kicking at the ground. “I’ve been watching you. Not in a creepy way! I… I wanted to make sure you weren’t like Aaliyah before talking to you.”

She studied this shy, semi-awkward girl in front of her. Her clothes were clearly worn hand-me-downs just like hers. She had this forlorn air to her than had Penny giving her a sympathetic smile. She had benefited from having Aisling in her corner, having shelter at St. Brigid’s. Brooke was probably bounced around far more than she was.

“Want to start eating lunch together at school,” Penny asked. “People avoid me. Maybe because I’m still too new. Or because Aaliyah.”

“Sure,” Brooke said. A smile fought onto her gaunt face. “Want to… hang out now?”

---

Gaining a friend her age helped Penny not ruminate over Aisling’s lack of communication. Having one person turned into having a small group; the kids that were seen as weird or outsiders, but all were just creative in some way.

Penny shuffled through the slush with Brooke at her side. They mentioned annoying things that teachers did at school that day. They shared no classes so the teacher stories were always something new while also being the same.

They were almost to their houses when Aaliyah knocked hard into Penny. She skidded and fell into the slush. Brooke shrunk away, offering no help. Penny went to snap at her, but she already stormed off into the house.

“She looked upset,” Brooke said meekly.

“Probably picked on someone she shouldn’t’ve,” Penny growled. She shook slush from her backpack. “I better go change before the Lamberts see. Catch you tomorrow.”

She managed to get upstairs without being spotted. She was just pulling on a pair of large, worn sweats when her door opened with no warning. She yanked her pants up as she stood, heart pounding, facing a middle-aged woman with long, fake nails and an elaborate perm.

“Why are you changing,” she asked, narrowing her eyes.

“Aali—I fell,” Penny said. “Slipped.”

“And now I have extra laundry to do.” Mrs. Lambert glowered. “Dinner in forty. Be downstairs to set the table in thirty.”

She flinched as the door slammed shut. She took a few breaths before sinking back onto her bed. She pulled out a sheet of paper and pen from her damp back pack.

Dear Aisling,

I learned how to spell your name. My friend Brooke told me. I told you about Brooke in my last letter, just in case you forgot.

She stared at the page. Her eyes stung.

You still haven't written back, so I don’t know if you even know I made a friend. I have a couple. It helps a little. My foster family is

She wiped her eyes with the heel of her palm. She crumpled the paper and left the room.

Dinner was one of the casseroles from a box that Mrs. Lambert resorted to every other night. The biological family—Mr. And Mrs. Lambert and their fifteen-year-old daughter, Emily—all rattled away at each other while Penny and Aaliyah sat in silence, picking at their food.

“Oh, Aaliyah, remind me to lend you that new sweater for the Christmas potluck,” Emily said. “It’ll be cute over that dress.”

“How thoughtful,” Mrs. Lambert said through gritted teeth.

“Is the Catholic church nearby,” Penny asked. She looked away from the others as they met her with various glares and confused looks. “I was thinking… maybe I’d go for Christmas Eve….”

“I’m not a taxi,” Mrs. Lambert said. “You go to our church when under our roof.”

Penny wanted to burst out about how they didn’t like their church; they constantly complained and gossiped about others in the congregation. They made a show of dragging all of them to service on Sunday, elbowing them to sing loudly. They made loud comments of their contributions and charity whenever someone from the congregation was within earshot. That was all it was: show.

She nodded subservantly, eyes fixed on her plate.

“We do the potluck at our church,” Emily said. “It’s our tradition.” She turned to Aaliyah. “It’s crazy to think this is your second one. The fifteenth marks a whole year since you came.”

Aaliyah’s jaw tightened. She gave a small nod and forced food into her mouth to avoid answering Emily’s perplexed stare.

“Oh, before I forget again; that Ms. Beaucourt called my office,” Mr. Lambert said, shooting Penny an accusatory glare.

“Of course she did,” Mrs. Lambert said, rolling her eyes. “She’s been pestering me to get this one–” pointing her fork at Penny “–a phone. I told her I’d look into it, and I’ve been dodging her calls since.”

“I thought they were supposed to have a phone,” Emily said. “Aaliyah has a phone. An iPhone, right?”

“Yep,” Aaliyah mumbled sulkily.

“Aaliyah had hers when she arrived,” Mrs. Lambert said. “And, she’s older than Penny. I just think smaller children with phones is ridiculous.”

“Isn’t it so they can call their case worker whenever they want,” Emily asked.

“The house phone works for that,” Mrs. Lambert said. “Those smartphones are rife with unsavory types trying to take advantage.” She stabbed her food. “Don’t you think it’s enough I worry about you with one?” She quickly added as Emily opened her mouth, “And Aaliyah? No. You girls are older. You have better understanding. And I still worry.”

“Don’t fluster your mother,” Mr. Lambert said. “I’ll talk to Ms. Beaucourt tomorrow. Tell her the fears more firmly.” He scoffed. “Besides, how are we supposed to afford that?”

“They are expensive…,” Emily trailed off.

The stipend the Lamberts received each month would have more than covered it. Penny was already wearing Goodwill clothes, or Emily’s hand-me-downs she was handed from the source herself before Mrs. Lambert could donate them away. All her school supplies had come from Dollar Tree, and Mrs. Lambert spent hardly anything on snacks. Penny wasn’t sure the exact amount a foster parent received each month, but with Aaliyah receiving the same treatment, she suspected there was a great deal of money left each month. She also suspected the new TV was paid for by that stipend.

She readied for bed after dinner, and found herself at her desk with the unfinished letter. She recrumpled it and dropped it in the wire wastebasket. She flopped onto her bed and stared up at the darkening ceiling.

Murmurs from Aaliyah’s room indicated Emily and she were talking. They spoke a bit almost every night, usually peppered with giggles, but this had an extra hushness to it. She heard something about pictures and a boy sharing them, but not enough to put the pieces together.

She wondered if Aisling had any pictures of her family, specifically of her mother. She never thought to ask before, and now with nearly six months of silence it seemed impossible she would get the chance to ask her.

She jumped out of bed, ripped a page from her spiral notebook, and sat at her desk.

Dear Aisling,

I want to see family pictures. I know that’s allowed, so you wouldn’t have thrown them out. I don’t think you would throw them out even if you really, really hated my mom. Does writing any of this matter? You haven’t written back. The Lamberts are mean. You and Mother Mary Clare said I had a home there. Doesn’t seem like it.

Penny, your niece

P.S. The garden next door has a gnome. I forgot what they eat so I just watch it sometimes.

Penny squinted at the letter in the weak light. She dropped it back on the desk and climbed back into bed. It felt like she only just shut her eyes when the daily hammering on her door jerked her upright.

“Breakfast,” Mrs. Lambert yelled through the door.

She was sure to dress before going down or else invoke an extra dose of wrath for not being prepared. Aaliyah was in a better mood, which meant she took more cereal than she could eat to deprive Penny of a full bowl.

School was wired with it being a Friday and a week before the winter holidays. No one had any amount of concentration, and the teachers were a mixed bag of aggravated and apathetic at the fractured attention. Penny stared at the clocks most lessons, with only diverting to staring out the widows in the few classes she sat next to one. Her green eyes tracked a small, blue-white ball of light bobbing near the woods bordering the school grounds.

She waited outside the school for Brooke. The throngs of kids thinned; Aaliyah stalked by with a toss of her beaded braids as a jeer of “ooh la la” followed from a group of boys. Penny leaned to stare down the long, main corridor to check for her friend.

Brooke was hovering by her locker near the end of the hall. She was chatting animatedly, smiling up at a young man she’d previously pointed out as her English teacher. Penny tightened her grips on her backpack straps as she watched his hand clap Brooke’s shoulder, run down her arm, and back up before he departed. She straightened and pretended not to have seen anything, smiling as Brooke joined her outside.

“Sorry,” Brooke said. “Mr. McBride wanted to talk about my poem.”

“Good news,” Penny asked.

“An A with a revision,” Brooke said proudly.

Penny hummed, her eyes now watching the treeline as they passed. There was no sign of the will o’ the wisp. She felt a twinge of disappointment.

“Something up?”

“Not really… Just thinking.” She turned her gaze to her worn, slush-dampened shoes. “This is totally random, but… do you believe in magic?”

“Of course not,” Brooke said with a slightly disgusted snort. She looked at Penny from under her limp bangs. “Wait, do you?” Penny shrugged. “Isn’t that kind of babyish?”

“I guess,” Penny murmured. “Maybe I want to believe…? Like, maybe it’d just be more interesting if will o’ the wisps, or gnomes, or unicorns lived in the woods too. You know?”

“The monsters would have to exist too, and a big no thanks to that,” Brooke said.

“Well, a dragon would be a lot cooler than bad foster parents,” Penny joked. Brooke’s mouth twitched but a smile failed to form. “Nevermind. I was just daydreaming while I was waiting.” She bounced towards her house, stopping and spinning back to Brooke. “One more week and then no school! Catch you tomorrow, Brooke!”

She rushed off with her fake enthusiasm, but didn’t fail to catch that Brooke hung around outside looking forlorn and lank. Penny watched her shuffle off through the wavy glass of the front door.

“You!” Penny jumped as Mrs. Lambert stormed towards her with a crumpled paper in her hand. “Mean! I’m mean! You ungrateful brat! Upstairs. No dinner. Now!”

She dodged around the furious woman, racing up the stairs. She stopped outside her door, spinning to address the stare she felt.

Aaliyah stood in her own doorway, shaking her head and looking at Penny as if she was a particularly stupid creature. Penny narrowed her eyes and slammed her door shut.

-------------------------------

For the other kids' names, I go check what was popular in that area or for that demographic in approximate birth year range. I'm not sure I have much else to add, lol. I've been really tired so my brain isn't functioning right. This one took longer than the others because I was trying to figure out the pacing. Penny's with the Lamberts for a bit, so I was torn on everything in this one and it's just really long, or split in into two or three chapters. Right now, it's the two or three.

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More Sketchbook Musings: Echoes of Aravast

In this edition of fun things from the physical archives - Echoes of Aravast and related sketches!

"Forgotten" Gemini Initial Sketch, unknown

This was early on when I got the idea of a "survivor Gemini" that may actually escape the Gemini Archives. She already has her sonic blade, her dog tag (back when that was an idea) and a surprisingly similar outfit (The two-toned hair was me trying on a wig over my existing hair and thinking it looked awesome lol).

 

Protection, 2013/4?

Ian was a new character in the Gemini Archives, and he quickly decided he was coming over to the new story with Gemini. I liked the initial story/plot I had going for Echoes of Aravast, but I was struggling to write it. All it took was changing Gemini's power and throwing her into one more Gemini Archive to spark the Westfall thread...

Ian ended up staying pretty similar to his current Aravasti variant - he was a Lux who could create light shields - only in Echoes of Aravast, he was born on Barea with Aravasti genetics and discovered his power by accident - like Ace would later. Actually, The Outlier takes the basic plot of Echoes, so I still got to have it to some extent :)

 

The Panic in Me, 2014

I have a digital drawing on this one, but since it's from a storyline that didn't make it, I removed it from my website 🤷 These 2 were going to have a very slow burn relationship that only showed where it ended up in a flash forward at the very end. At least their devotion to each other still made the final cut ;) The title/mood is from a song from The Road to El Dorado by Elton John. Great song.

 

Ian Sticky Note Art, 2015?

I found a couple of these colorful sticky note drawings! Not bad for pen on a 3"x3" sticky note!

 

Sparrow Sticky Note Art, 2015?

Sparrow and Gabriel were actually going to be in Echoe of Aravast... but alas, they just get to stay my token dancers :)

 

Cinder Sketch, 2015

So... yeah.

One of the ideas for Echoes was Ian accidentally getting sent in to Barea's past where he's in this weird feudal variant where humans and creatures work codependently (Narnia? lol). Ian ends up paired with Cinder the pied crow and they both serve a knight as his armor bearer and squire. Gemini eventually figures out how to get to where she sent him, and he's years older and embittered, but also stronger because of his experience. Cinder was kind of a comic relief, wise-cracking bird... but he was the first to be cut along with the rest of the rest of the talking animals.

 

The Outlier Awakens, 2020

A neat drawing of Ace when his Aravasti powers awaken underwater. The body proportions are kinda wonky, but those hands 👌 This would be a nice one to redo one day!

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